WEEK 13: Financial Challenges in Marriage

Finances can be a big challenge in a marriage relationship.  Both partners come from different upbringings with different financial experiences.  Among other negotiations and compromises, finances and the responsibilities that come with them can be a huge dilemma that couples face in all stages of their married life.  Dr. Paduska, author of Till Debt Do Us Part (2000), identified 6 life cycle stages. 

·       Stage 1:  (age 15-24)  Single, with no children

·       Stage 2:  (age 25-34)  Married or single, with no children or children ages 1-9

·       Stage 3:  (age 35-44)  Married or single, with children ages 10-19

·       Stage 4:  (age 45-54)  Married or single, launching children

·       Stage 5:  (age 55-64)  Married or single, with children launched

·       Stage 6:  (age 65-over)  Married or single, retired  

(p. 194)

With each stage, there are financial obligations that are unique to them.  With each stage, there needs to be a “renegotiating” of responsibilities to accommodate the demands at that time. 

As I am currently in stage 4 (gulp), I have personally experienced the struggles that come with each period.  I am also seeing my children begin on the stages themselves.  I think the hardest part for them is to realize we worked long and hard to get where we are today – in a home, sufficient for our needs, with a little flexibility in the things we can do because of the choices and sacrifices we have made along the way.  Yet they expect to walk out of the house, fresh out of high school, and enjoy all the same comforts, without any of the work. 

I think the hardest stage is the first stage, especially as newlyweds.  My husband and I were both students when we got married and had no money.  Luckily, we also didn’t have any debt at that time.  But we both came from different homes with different philosophies.  His dad was self-employed, so their financial situation varied from year to year, quarter to quarter.  His mom was given an envelope with a specified amount of money in it to cover all expenses for the next 2 weeks.  When the money was gone, she was done spending - she could never ask for more.  She quickly learned to make that money last the two weeks.  But there was a large learning curve.  When we got married, it quickly became clear that this would not work in our relationship.  So we negotiated and figured out what would work for us.  It was very much a team approach, with both of us making decisions and aware of what our financial situation was – which wasn’t hard since we only had pennies to work with. 

By having these lessons early on, and finding a way that worked for us, we were better prepared as we moved through the stages.  We established a good foundation and settled on some patterns that enabled us to survive on what we had.  By the time my husband graduated and started his first, official full-time job, we had 2 kids.  My husband has been blessed with many talents and skills as a mechanic which allowed us to get by with the clunker that got us from point A to point B.  And the handyman skills to do the repairs we needed in our homes.  We were able to buy things cheap, improve them, and sell them to make a profit.  We lived in very humble circumstances as we saved and saved till the day we were able to buy our first home.  Ironically enough, as we have moved up in the ranks with his company, and moved locations, our finances were better, and the houses got bigger.  We grew with our income.  And we are in a position now to enjoy life a little bit. 

I am grateful for a husband who knows the importance of work, and the value of learning skills to take care of what you have.  I am grateful for parents who always encouraged us to save our money.  And I am grateful for a church that encourages us to live within our means. 

President Hinckley, in October 1998 General Conference said, “I urge you … to look to the conditions of your finances. I urge you to be modest in your expenditures; discipline yourselves in your purchases to avoid debt to the extent possible. Pay off debt as quickly as you can, and free yourselves from bondage. This is part of the temporal gospel in which we believe.  May the Lord bless you to set your houses in order.  If you have paid your debts, if you have a reserve, even though it be small, then should storms howl about your head, you will have shelter for your [families] and peace in your hearts.”

I know as we follow the prophet, and do our best to live within our means, using discipline and with the companionship of our spouse, we can receive the spiritual and temporal blessings the Lord has for us. 

Hinckley, G. B. (1998). To The Boys and to the Men (November). Ensign.  Retrieved from:  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/10/to-the-boys-and-to-the-men?lang=eng

Poduska, B. E. (2000). Till Debt Do Us Part. Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.

Financing Image retrieved from:  https://www.otacademy.com/article/Top-5-Best-Personal-Finance-Software

Dollar puzzle image retrieved from:  https://www.kiplinger.com/slideshow/saving/T023-S002-how-to-simplify-your-finances/index.html

Gordon B. Hinckley image retrieved from:  https://mit.irr.org/pt-br/gordon-hinckley-richard-mouw-e-progresso-eterno

WEEK 12: Unity

Unity in a marriage is essential.  Elder Henry B. Eyring, in April 1998 General Conference said, 

“Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together.  That union in love is not simply an ideal.  It is a necessity.”

Our purpose here on earth is to grow from our experiences to become like Him.  But He did not intend for us to do this alone.  He designated families as the desired organization.  Much of that growth takes place as we learn to love others as Christ loves us.  In a marriage, that means coming to see our spouse as God sees them.  As we learn to do this, we also become united.  As we become united, we feel able to face the challenges that come our way, knowing we are not alone, now or forever. 

When we are united, we experience hope – hope that we can do hard things; hope that this will all be for our good; hope that we can be together forever; hope that the covenants we make and keep here on earth can change our natures, qualifying us for the eternities; hope that we can be forgiven of our sins; hope that we will always have His Spirit to lead and guide us as we raise a family; hope that Christ’s Atonement can make up the difference.

When we are united, we experience harmony – meaning there is no contention; harmony accompanied by personal peace; harmony in our hearts and minds, thoughts and actions, all working together for a singular purpose; harmony that comes when our actions are in tune with our Father in Heaven; harmony within our families as we grow and learn together; harmony that comes as we forgive one another.

 

When we are united, we experience strength – strength to fight the adversary for the blessings of being together with our families forever; strength to keep the covenants we have made; strength to do all that is asked of us in our roles as mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, parents and children; strength to keep all of the commandments; strength to see past our weaknesses and reach for the potential Heavenly Father sees in us; strength to forgive each other as we journey through this life of learning.

Hope, harmony and strength are all attributes that can bless a marriage and lead to the unity Heavenly Father commanded us to have.  When we are unified, we are one, working together for the same goal.  Elder Eyring went on to say, “We need hope that we can experience unity in this life and qualify to have it forever in the world to come.”   

We don’t do all of this just so we can gain entry to the celestial kingdom.  We do all of this because we want to be with our partner forever.  H. Wallace Goddard said, “It’s also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there (Celestial Kingdom).  This requires a transformation of character.”  As we become unified, we become changed, transformed, and qualified into a character worthy of living with our families into the eternities.

Eyring, H. B. (1998, May). That We May Be One. Ensign, 66-69.

Unity in sunset image: retrieved from Dreamstime.com

Hope image:  http://www.thecommentator.com/article/6769/unity_and_hope_are_key_to_a_conservative_victory

Harmony image:  https://unitedinharmony.org/

Strength image:  http://valuableread.com/unity-is-strength

Unity image:  http://www.unitynz.org/unity-principles/unitynz-statement-for-peace/

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing. 

WEEK 11: Sexual Relations

I grew up in a household that never talked about sex.  In fact I was shocked (and naïve) to learn that my parents had sex!  They would kiss and hold hands, but never once did they talk about it or show anything more than that.  I was always taught NO! NO! NO!  And then one day I was married and suddenly it was YES! YES! YES!  That was a hard transition for me.  Although the feelings and emotions were there, and that is what got us through those first few weeks and months, my mind was having a difficult time doing the complete opposite of what I had always been taught.  It was a sacred experience to grow and learn with my husband the powerful (and appropriate) expression of the love and feelings we had for each other

I know I am not alone in this transitional challenge.  I think, within the church society, our approach has changed a bit.  Maybe it is the overabundant and incorrect information provided in the media.  We understand more the importance to talk about the special and sacred experiences you can have as husband and wife.  My husband and I took the approach to teach our kids there was a time and a place.  Someday, that time and place will be amazing and worth the wait. 

LDS psychologist Victor Clines stated, “Sex should be a celebration.  It comes from God.  He created our sexual appetites and natures.  He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually.  He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love . . . The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship.”  (Cline 39)

Different times in our married life have brought different attitudes to the sacred act.  I really appreciated Sean Brotherson sharing his mother’s answer to what the sexual experience was supposed to be like.  “Sometimes it was fun.  Sometimes it was comforting.  Sometimes it was romantic.  Sometimes it was spiritual.  And sometimes it was just a willingness to love.”  Part of the oneness that we feel when we connect sexually begins by knowing and sensing the additional needs and desires of our spouse.  We need to be sensitive to each other.  We should never let sexual interaction become just another chore in a long list of things to do. 

I have a good friend who, coming home from a long trip, was telling us about how she was worried about getting in so late.  She started running through her routine of getting ready for bed…get into pajamas, brush her teeth, have sex with her husband, say her prayers, go to sleep.  She rattled it off just like that.  Having sex with her husband ranked after brushing her teeth.  We proceeded to talk about how these sexual encounters should be special.  She said her husband expected it every night before she could go to sleep.  He had conditioned her and she was shocked that it might be different for other people. 

Elder Richard G. Scott, in his General Conference Address in April, 2000, stated, “When we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions . . . the stimulation of those emotions . . . allow a couple to draw close in oneness through the beautiful appropriate expression of these feelings between husband and wife . . .”   I am grateful to my husband for the sensitivity he shows me.  He is patient with me and realizes our needs and approach are different.  He recognizes his intentions need to be beyond his own gratification.  I am glad I get to share this oneness with him.

Cline, V. (1987).  How to Make a Good Marriage Great. Manhattan, NY: Walker & Co.

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.

Scott, Richard G.  (2000).  “The Sanctity of Womanhood.”  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/04/the-sanctity-of-womanhood?lang=eng.

WEEK 10: Marital Poop Detector

The “Poop Detector,” as taught by John Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, serves as an “early warning system” that will warn us if something “just doesn’t smell right”.  The idea is to catch these issues while they are fresh, “before they build up steam and become combustible” (280).   It doesn't take a rocket scientist to detect when something smells.  My husband claims I have an uncanny ability to sniff out even the smallest of unpleasantries.  

A poopy diaper can easily be detected by anyone in the vicinity.  Besides being unpleasant to the nasal passages, a poopy diaper creates irritation to the baby’s body.  Waiting to change that diaper can cause irritation, a rash, and even pain.  Avoiding the signals of our marital poop detector can do the same thing.  It can cause irritations that initially are only minor, but with time, and without attention, they can become invasive, ruin our friendship, disengage us emotionally from each other, and become obvious to even the casual observer. 

 My husband and I decided early on that we both have a tendency to fall back on some of the habits our parents have - habits that we don’t like and don’t want to become our own.  Many times we turn to those reactions or habits without even realizing it.  In the middle of a situation, neither one of us necessarily wants to be corrected, nor have attention drawn to our behavior.  But we need it brought to our attention.  We came up with a special word that we use to indicate that something might be escalating out of control, or headed in a direction neither one of us wants.  

“Vacuum” indicated that we are sucking the fun out of something, or sucking at avoiding the undesired habits.  It was almost whispered, without drawing the attention of those around us, and nothing more was said.  When the word was said, we knew the love and reasoning behind it.  We could take a step back and consider what to do.  But the choice was ours to do anything with it at all.  It also gave us a chance to come back later and privately discuss why we slipped, and what we could have done differently. 

I know the criticism is hard to hear, but neither of us looked at this as criticism.  We had identified something in ourselves that we wanted to change, and with the help of a loving spouse, we were able see the instances we fell short.   It also allowed us to talk about issues while they were still minor – before they became ingrained or began to really “stink”. 

Gottman states, “People with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages.  This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want” (280).  It is not a bad thing to expect a lot out of your marriage.  It is important to realize that the expectations fall on both husband and wife. 

Sometimes, our frustrations and complaints about our spouse are really “connected to self-doubt” according to Gottman (282).  Before we begin to focus attention on correcting our spouse or pointing out their flaws, we should do an internal search.  The natural man has a tendency to put others down – if for no other reason than to make ourselves feel better than someone else. 

“If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner” (283).

If we can forgive ourselves for our imperfections, we will better be able to look past the minor imperfections of our spouse.  We can better remember the good things when we feel good about ourselves.  We are not meant to be perfect here on this earth, and neither is our spouse. 

I need to use the “marital poop detector” to address the minor things when they are still small.  I need to be forgiving of my husband, and he forgiving of me, and together, we can work to help lift each other and make our marriage better. 

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Second ed.). NY: Crown Publishing Group.

Poopy Diaper image:  https://babygooroo.com/articles/the-scoop-on-poop

Vacuum image:  https://www.wayfair.com/storage-organization/pdp/bissell-cleanview-upright-vacuum-cleaner-bse1201.html

WEEK 9: Consecration

Consecration is a higher law that is not easy, nor is it natural.  The natural man tends to think of himself.  Consecration takes work – a lot of work.  But there is a strength that comes from being all in – committing your whole self to your spouse.  We dedicate everything we have and everything we are on the altar and commit whole-heartedly to our marriage.  When that commitment is reciprocated, a trust and a bond grows that is strong and better able to withstand the challenges that come our way.  It provides a secure foundation to help our family grow.  It provides safety and comfort.  In that total commitment, we change.  We become better. 

“Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom.  It’s also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there.  This requires a transformation of character.  In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves.”  

(Goddard 110)

We become who God wants and needs us to become.  Throughout the challenges my husband and I have faced, we were able to draw strength from one another.  There is power that comes in knowing you are facing things as a team.  As a wife and a mother, I have a glimpse of what it takes.  Everything I do, from the moment I wake up and even after I go to sleep at night, I give my all.  It can be heart breaking at times.  But it is in those moments, when husband and wife can turn to each other, draw strength from each other, and then turn and face the challenges presented to them. 

Christ was the perfect example of a living a consecrated life.  In Elder D. Todd Christofferson’s conference address in October of 2010, he mentioned 5 “elements of a consecrated life: purity, work, respect for one’s body, service, and integrity.” 

Purity

Elder Christofferson states, “Consecration . . . means repentance. Stubbornness, rebellion, and rationalization must be abandoned, and in their place submission, a desire for correction, and acceptance of all that the Lord may require.”  A marriage requires repentance and forgiveness, and therefore purity.  We cannot get hung up on the little things.  We all do things that we need to repent of.  We need to be able to look past the little imperfections and minor grievances and recognize the good.  We want to be better and become more pure and trust that we can do so with the help of our spouse. 

Work

Christofferson continues, “A consecrated life is a life of labor. . . We naturally desire to participate with Him in His work, and in so doing, we ought to recognize that all honest work is the work of God.”  Marriage is work.  When we enter that marital covenant we join with God in accomplishing His work.  We participate with Him in consecrating ourselves to each other so we are better able to do the work of raising the choice spirits sent to us as children.

Respect for One’s Body

Elder Christofferson asserts, “A consecrated life respects the incomparable gift of one’s physical body, a divine creation in the very image of God. . . We have a duty to God with respect to this crowning achievement of His physical creation. . . As our body is the instrument of our spirit, it is vital that we care for it as best we can. We should consecrate its powers to serve and further the work of Christ.”  By taking care of our physical bodies, we are better able to look out for and serve our spouse.  If I can commit to taking care of my physical body, and my husband is my focus, then I am also taking care of his physical body as well.  We use those physical bodies to give each other everything we are. 

Service

Christofferson reminds us, “Jesus demonstrated that a consecrated life is a life of service. . . Those who quietly and thoughtfully go about doing good offer a model of consecration. . . Often it is in simple acts that confirm divine love and awareness.”  Marriage is about service.  Every day, every hour, and every minute there is an opportunity to serve our spouse.  My husband is really good at getting up and making breakfast for me on the weekend.  He knows that I have done it all week with the boys as they go to seminary and he is not always in town.  It may be small, but it means a lot to me.  When we serve each other, we help each other grow closer together, therefore strengthening our bond.  When we serve, we think of our spouse before we think of ourselves. 

Integrity

Christofferson concludes, “A consecrated life is a life of integrity. We see it in the husband and wife who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.  We see it in the father and mother who’s demonstrated first priority is to nourish their marriage and ensure the physical and spiritual welfare of their children.”  When we live a consecrated life, especially in our marriage, we can trust each other.  We can give our all, knowing we are loved. 

Living a consecrated life is a higher way of living.  In our marriage, we have the chance to practice this sacrifice and commitment, giving all that we have been blessed with and all that we might be blessed with, to each other.  We commit to give everything we have to helping each other become better able to live in the celestial kingdom together.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Pubishing.

Christofferson, D. T. (2010, November). Reflections on a Consecrated Life. Ensign, 16-19. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/reflections-on-a-consecrated-life?lang=eng

WEEK 8: Beware of Pride!

“The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.  Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’”  By just that statement, I do not consider myself to be prideful.  But President Benson, in his landmark address at General Conference in April of 1989 goes on to explain the many forms and labels enmity can take.

·       Easily competitive in nature

·       Pitting our will against God’s

·       Unable to accept the authority of God giving direction in our lives

·       Pit our perception of truth against God’s great knowledge

·       Not interested in changing our opinions to agree with God’s

·       Tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them

·       Pitting our intellect, opinions . . . or any other worldly measuring device against others.  It is the comparison that makes us proud: the joy of being above the rest

·       Worrying more about man’s judgement than of God’s judgement

After reading these, I became a little concerned about my behaviors.  Often, I think I know and understand everything and don’t always remember that God has a greater perspective and an eternal knowledge of me – and everybody else.  What I see and the way I interpret things does not mean that is how they really are. 

“Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top . . . There is, however, a far more common ailment among us – and that is pride from the bottom looking up.  It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.”  Gossiping?  Faultfinding?  Murmuring?  Unfortunately, I do my fair share.  I will do what is asked of me, but I complain and murmur a lot more than I should.

President Benson continues:  “The proud depend on the world to tell them whether they have value or not.  Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success . . . If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgment more than men’s, we will have self-esteem.”  I have pondered why I am doing the things I am doing.  Why do I go to school?  Work?  Young Womens?  Church?  Serve?  Why am I a wife?  A mother?  A friend?  Do I do it so others can see everything I can do?  

My motive should be to please God! 

There should be no other reason.  If I love God, then I love my fellowmen – my family, neighbors, ward members, etc.  “Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters.” 

Yet there is hope.  There is a way to give up this pride.  President Benson suggests several ways:

·      Humility – meekness, submissiveness.  It is a broken heart and a contrite spirit

·       Esteeming our brothers and sisters as ourselves, lifting them as high or higher

·       Receiving counsel and chastisement

·       Forgiving those who have offended us

·       Rendering selfless service

·       Going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others

·       Getting to the temple more frequently

·       Confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God

·       Loving God, submitting our will to His and putting Him first in our lives

We can choose to be humble in these ways.  It is worth a self-evaluation regularly to see if we are beginning to fall victim of this universal sin.  We needed to regularly check ourselves to become humble and willing to submit our will to God’s.  That is where we will find happiness, unity, and the love like Christ has for us.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng