WEEK 10: Marital Poop Detector

The “Poop Detector,” as taught by John Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, serves as an “early warning system” that will warn us if something “just doesn’t smell right”.  The idea is to catch these issues while they are fresh, “before they build up steam and become combustible” (280).   It doesn't take a rocket scientist to detect when something smells.  My husband claims I have an uncanny ability to sniff out even the smallest of unpleasantries.  

A poopy diaper can easily be detected by anyone in the vicinity.  Besides being unpleasant to the nasal passages, a poopy diaper creates irritation to the baby’s body.  Waiting to change that diaper can cause irritation, a rash, and even pain.  Avoiding the signals of our marital poop detector can do the same thing.  It can cause irritations that initially are only minor, but with time, and without attention, they can become invasive, ruin our friendship, disengage us emotionally from each other, and become obvious to even the casual observer. 

 My husband and I decided early on that we both have a tendency to fall back on some of the habits our parents have - habits that we don’t like and don’t want to become our own.  Many times we turn to those reactions or habits without even realizing it.  In the middle of a situation, neither one of us necessarily wants to be corrected, nor have attention drawn to our behavior.  But we need it brought to our attention.  We came up with a special word that we use to indicate that something might be escalating out of control, or headed in a direction neither one of us wants.  

“Vacuum” indicated that we are sucking the fun out of something, or sucking at avoiding the undesired habits.  It was almost whispered, without drawing the attention of those around us, and nothing more was said.  When the word was said, we knew the love and reasoning behind it.  We could take a step back and consider what to do.  But the choice was ours to do anything with it at all.  It also gave us a chance to come back later and privately discuss why we slipped, and what we could have done differently. 

I know the criticism is hard to hear, but neither of us looked at this as criticism.  We had identified something in ourselves that we wanted to change, and with the help of a loving spouse, we were able see the instances we fell short.   It also allowed us to talk about issues while they were still minor – before they became ingrained or began to really “stink”. 

Gottman states, “People with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages.  This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want” (280).  It is not a bad thing to expect a lot out of your marriage.  It is important to realize that the expectations fall on both husband and wife. 

Sometimes, our frustrations and complaints about our spouse are really “connected to self-doubt” according to Gottman (282).  Before we begin to focus attention on correcting our spouse or pointing out their flaws, we should do an internal search.  The natural man has a tendency to put others down – if for no other reason than to make ourselves feel better than someone else. 

“If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner” (283).

If we can forgive ourselves for our imperfections, we will better be able to look past the minor imperfections of our spouse.  We can better remember the good things when we feel good about ourselves.  We are not meant to be perfect here on this earth, and neither is our spouse. 

I need to use the “marital poop detector” to address the minor things when they are still small.  I need to be forgiving of my husband, and he forgiving of me, and together, we can work to help lift each other and make our marriage better. 

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Second ed.). NY: Crown Publishing Group.

Poopy Diaper image:  https://babygooroo.com/articles/the-scoop-on-poop

Vacuum image:  https://www.wayfair.com/storage-organization/pdp/bissell-cleanview-upright-vacuum-cleaner-bse1201.html