WEEK 6: Love Maps

I know that my relationship with my husband is strong because we are familiar with each other’s world.  According to John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he states, “Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world” (p 54).  It is talking to and listening to each other.  Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “There is a difference between truly listening and waiting for your turn to talk.”  There is a sense of comfort that comes when one feels known and understood.  A relationship needs this foundational support and strength, especially as a couple faces challenges.  Building that support needs to happen before the challenges come.  Gottman also declares, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms” (p 57).

One way we have been able to do this is going on walks together.  We started this several years ago, as we were facing a big challenge.  Going on these walks allowed us to talk and listen to each other, away from the ears of the children, while also taking care of our physical bodies.  It was through these walks that we were able to strengthen and support each other. 

This is love map is not something that can be put together over night.  It is an ongoing process that will take a lifetime to develop.  It takes constant care and work to keep it updated and relevant to the situation and stage of life you are in.  Each and every stage, and sometimes in between changes things.  It changes our goals and our focus, our time and our energy.  So it is important that we evaluate this love map regularly and update it as necessary. 

It takes time – intentionally – to help this map be created.  We need to make our spouse an important part of our everyday life.  When my husband comes home from work, I am generally in the middle of making dinner, helping the kids with their homework, and sometimes I am not even home because I am taking one of the kids to one lesson or another.  But if I stop, even for just a moment, and acknowledge his arrival, and ask how his day went, I know he understands that although I am busy, I am glad that he is home.  His presence is important to me.  And even though I may not be able to have the conversation at that time, I am interested in his day and how things went at work. 

I don’t think I will ever regret the time and energy I put into my relationship with my husband.  I feel that we are in tune enough with each other, that we can sense the needs and feelings of each other.  And if not, I know him enough and love him enough to talk to him about what I am feeling or the challenges he may be facing.   But it is something we will always work on – together.