WEEK 7: Family Sorrow or Family Joy

Being a parent is tough.  Especially when you watch your children make choices that are contrary to what you taught them.  These experiences can really take a toll on a marriage.  There are feelings of hurt, maybe shame, guilt, responsibility, disappointment, etc.  It is hard to remember that it is your child that is bringing these feelings out, and not to project these feelings onto your spouse.  Adam and Eve faced the situation of a challenging child – one that killed another one of their children.  I can’t imagine the thoughts and feelings and blame that might have been going through their minds.  There was no one else to blame, no one else to turn to, except each other.  In Covenant Hearts, Elder Bruce C. Hafen stated:

“We do know that because they accepted the Atonement of Christ, Adam and Eve . . . could all grow from their experience without suffering irreparable damage.  With their family life as their main place of spiritual schooling, they learned from both misery and joy, discovering firsthand that “God . . . shall consecrate thing afflictions for thy gain” (2 Nephi 2:2)”.

Pondering on Elder Hafen’s comments, and the experience of Adam and Eve, I have a greater appreciation for the Atonement.  I know that I need to do my best, putting my whole heart and soul into being a righteous mother.  But I am in partnership with God, who loves my child as much, if not more so, than I do.  And he has provided a way for both of us to learn from these experiences, without “suffering irreparable damage”.  We are able to come together as husband and wife, and do our best, and learn from these experiences so that we will have a greater appreciation of our Father in Heaven, and His thoughts and feelings toward each one of us.  I am sure, just as much as I sometimes feel like I am beating my head against the wall because of one of my children and their choices, He is up there doing the same thing with the choices I make and the things I do.  But He loves me in spite of my mistakes.  He keeps encouraging me and lovingly guiding me along.  He has provided opportunities for me to learn and grow for a reason.  I need to trust that He knows me and my husband, what we can handle, what we need to still learn, and how we can best learn it.  I need to trust that my husband and I can work through these adversities because we can help each other best, in the ways that we need it most, so we can be who Heavenly Father needs us to be.  Our loyalty and trust in each other, and with God, will help us be stronger than we could be on our own.  

WEEK 6: Love Maps

I know that my relationship with my husband is strong because we are familiar with each other’s world.  According to John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he states, “Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world” (p 54).  It is talking to and listening to each other.  Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “There is a difference between truly listening and waiting for your turn to talk.”  There is a sense of comfort that comes when one feels known and understood.  A relationship needs this foundational support and strength, especially as a couple faces challenges.  Building that support needs to happen before the challenges come.  Gottman also declares, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms” (p 57).

One way we have been able to do this is going on walks together.  We started this several years ago, as we were facing a big challenge.  Going on these walks allowed us to talk and listen to each other, away from the ears of the children, while also taking care of our physical bodies.  It was through these walks that we were able to strengthen and support each other. 

This is love map is not something that can be put together over night.  It is an ongoing process that will take a lifetime to develop.  It takes constant care and work to keep it updated and relevant to the situation and stage of life you are in.  Each and every stage, and sometimes in between changes things.  It changes our goals and our focus, our time and our energy.  So it is important that we evaluate this love map regularly and update it as necessary. 

It takes time – intentionally – to help this map be created.  We need to make our spouse an important part of our everyday life.  When my husband comes home from work, I am generally in the middle of making dinner, helping the kids with their homework, and sometimes I am not even home because I am taking one of the kids to one lesson or another.  But if I stop, even for just a moment, and acknowledge his arrival, and ask how his day went, I know he understands that although I am busy, I am glad that he is home.  His presence is important to me.  And even though I may not be able to have the conversation at that time, I am interested in his day and how things went at work. 

I don’t think I will ever regret the time and energy I put into my relationship with my husband.  I feel that we are in tune enough with each other, that we can sense the needs and feelings of each other.  And if not, I know him enough and love him enough to talk to him about what I am feeling or the challenges he may be facing.   But it is something we will always work on – together.  

WEEK 5: Friends Forever

I truly believe I am married to my best friend.  Whenever something happens, he is the first one I want to share it with – whether it is good or bad.  He is the one that recognizes my needs, and is sensitive to my moods.  He knows what I like, and dislike, and supports me in my goals – such as finishing school.  I know he will always have my back.  We share many interests, but also have our own.  He supports me in my interests and will do them just because it is important to me.  I trust him and am blessed because he gives me the benefit of the doubt.  He is wise, optimistic, and has a great sense of humor that sees us through many things.  We truly enjoy each other’s company and look forward to doing things together.  That is not to say there are no other friends in our lives.  I have friends I like to laugh with, do things with, and talk to.  But at the end of the day, I am most grateful for my best friend and grateful for the chance we have to be together for eternity.

"...husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning...support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together."    (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman, John M.  page 27)

This week I have been pondering whether I am that kind of best friend to him.  Am I always sensitive to his moods?  Do I recognize his needs?  Does he like to share things with me?  Does he know how important he is to me?  I believe so.  But friendship is something that takes work – on both parties.  It is not something to take for granted or assume will always be there.  It is not always easy either.  There are moments when we struggle, especially if we are both feeling particularly vulnerable at the same time.  Fortunately, we have such a strong positive sentiment override, that we are able to navigate our way through those tough moments.  We are attune to each other’s needs, and trust in the covenants and commitments we have made with each other.  And we try each and every day to make sure there is not a question as to who is important in our life. 

I am truly blessed!

WEEK 4: Excessive Individuality

Many years ago, just a few years after being married, I was visiting with my grandmother at her home.  She and my grandfather did everything together.  They were always helping each other and looking out for one another.  For some reason, my grandmother counseled me that day to always make my family important.  She didn’t understand why so many people insist on looking out only for themselves.  She said the same thing that was said in Elder Bruce C. Hafen’s talk “Covenant Marriage” given in General Conference in October of 1996, given just a few years before. 

“. . . the bonds of kinship and marriage are not valuable ties that bind, but are, instead, sheer bondage. . . The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone.”

This is just one of the three different wolves he described that can rip apart a marriage -excessive individuality.  She said she didn’t understand why women felt the need to have a women’s retreat or a getaway trip.  A family is not a form of bondage or slavery.  At the time, I was still early enough in my marriage, and with only one child to take care of, the thought was not even on my radar. 

Fast forward 20 years, and I have thought countless times that I needed to do something for me (perhaps that is why I am in school right now).  There are definitely times when I need some alone time.  I need a chance to rejuvenate myself.  In my role as a wife, mother, leader, employee, etc. I feel that I am constantly asked to give.  But I can’t keep giving if my well is dry.  So I do know there is a need to fill my bucket so I have something to give.  However, that doesn’t mean I need to be alone or get out. 

I have learned over the years there are many ways we can fill our buckets.  Just today, I took a break from studying and laundry, and went to the temple.  Yes, it may have taken 3 hours of my day – time that I could have spent studying – but it filled my bucket.  There are many times that service fills my bucket as well.  Whether it is serving my family or with my family.  I have also found that I can also have my time for meditating as I drive from place to place.  I can leave the music off and just ponder things, opening my mind and heart to the Spirit.  Or I can listen to general conference talks – even from 10 years ago.  The music and the messages are still powerful and can fill my bucket. 

My place is with my husband and with my family.  I always want them to know they are the most important thing in my life.  Even on the rough days, or when there are 4 snow days right after a 2 week Christmas vacation, and we all seem tired of each other, there is no place I’d rather be.  I am very blessed to be sealed to my family and have the opportunity to spend time with them.

Week 3: Threats to Marriage

Marriage is something I believe in.  I always have.  After reading about the case of Obergefell v Hodges (2015), the case in which the Supreme Court deemed same-sex marriage as legal and open to all of the same benefits as the traditional marriage, I learned the definitions of the long-held beliefs in this country of what marriage is.  “The lifelong union of a man and a woman always promised nobility and dignity to all persons, without regard to their station in life” (Opinion of the Court 3).  Marriage is something everyone looks toward as the fundamental unit in our society.  “Marriage is sacred to those who live by their religions and offers unique fulfillment to those who find meaning in the secular realm” (Opinion of the Court 3).  Not only is marriage a religious union, but a civil union as well.  “It’s dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found along, or a marriage becomes greater than just the two persons” (Opinion of the Court 3).  In life and in a marriage, two can be stronger and support each other, making it a more robust union.  “Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and admirations” (Opinion of the Court 3).  It is a basic need to feel loved, protected, and secure.  It is through this partnership that we can find hope. 

It was with these statements and beliefs that the petitioners used as the basis of the argument for same-sex marriage that was brought before the Supreme Court.  We live in a country with freedoms, including religious and individual autonomy.  Deciding who we marry shapes us and makes us who we are.  “It fulfills yearnings for security, safe have, and connection that express our common humanity.  Civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decisions whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition” (Opinion of the Court 13).   One can plainly see why there is an innate desire to find a mate. 

Adam and Eve were the first marriage, and their union led to children which constituted the first family and basic unit.  But for them, the purpose of marriage was to also procreate.  “Marriage is the foundation of the family and of society, without which there would be neither civilization nor progress” (Opinion of the Court 16).  I find that is a good indication of what God had in mind when he created man and woman.  “It is not good for man to be alone…” (Abraham 5:14).  Justice Roberts, a dissenter in this case, said that marriage and family “is a pattern so deeply pressed into the substance of our social life that any constitutional doctrine in this area must be built upon this basis”.  (Roberts dissenting 18)  So the question stands….should the definition of marriage be changed to include a marriage to someone of the same sex?  Those who feel it should obviously see the benefits of marriage.  They have the same desires of companionship and security, connection and protection.  The majority (which is really only 5 of the 9 members) of the Supreme Court felt they made a valid point and voted in favor of this change. 

Scalia, one of the dissenting Justices, sarcastically claimed, that five judges confidently concluded every state violated the constitution and that they “suddenly discovered a “fundamental right” overlooked by every person alive at the time of ratification and almost everyone else in the time since” (Scalia dissenting 7).  They were apparently able to see what many great judges before them did not.  He felt they were egotistical and pretentious.  He, along with the other dissenters felt that this decision would taint the reputation of the Court since the decision was taken away from the people and not allowed to go through the democratic process of being a debate where both parties are heard.

But what does this mean for our nation? 

What does this mean for our state? 

What does this mean for my community? 

What does this mean for me? 

This Court imposed one point of view on the entire country.  Its impact will may never be fully recognized as the ripples will continue to spread.  Of great concern, as Justice Alito pointed out, was for the institute of religion.  One of the rights we have in this nation is the right to worship how we please.  By imposing this view, this right is being taken from us.  No longer are we able to refuse to perform services that are against our religion for fear of appearing “bigoted”. 

Alexander Dushku spoke at the Religious Freedom Annual Review about this life-changing Supreme Court decision.  How we respond and react to this case can make a big difference.  He suggested responding similarly to the case for/against abortion (Roe v Wade).  This case divided the country as well.  He said, religious voices decided they would not and could not remain silent, so they spoke up, refused to be intimidated, they organized, insisted on right of free speech, learned to make a case with reason, civility and even love.  Not much has changed legally.  But sides can still be fully participating citizens.  Examples were shown that even the highest and best of beliefs can refuse to be silenced.  So how does traditional marriage maintain respectability in light of the culture and law present today?  “They cheerfully, but resolutely endure indignities that will indeed be visited upon them – without bitterness, asking only for toleration, understanding, and their basic rights as Americans.  The great goodness and decency of American people will rise up and our culture and law will care out and protect enough spaces so that people of faith and their institutions who maintain traditional beliefs about marriage, family, and sexuality can participate fully in all aspects of American life.”  He felt that religious liberty could survive, if there was accommodation for both sides. 

By studying this case, I feel that I have better grounds to stand on as far as why this change in definition of what constitutes a marriage impacts me.  It’s not just because it is against my religious views.  It impacts everyone’s practice of their religion.  I have learned that I can share other views with someone who doesn’t share mine.  I must stand up for what I know to be true, but be respectful and civil to the other side as well.  I cannot retreat or be intimidated or silent.  That doesn’t mean I condone or agree with them, but I also don’t treat them as a leper.  Just as I want to protect my beliefs, and I have freedom of speech to share my views, so do they.  

DIVORCE

I have a lot of mixed feelings about divorce.  I grew up surrounded by couples who stayed together, loved each other, worked through their differences, and gave me examples of what a marriage means. 

But my brother, through various choices, ended up getting married to support his pregnant girlfriend.  Their marriage struggled from the beginning.  Fast forward 17 years, and through various incidences, the divorce was finalized.  I saw the heartache and trauma this was on the kids. 

Children who experience parental divorce are prone to a variety of academic, behavior, and emotional problems.  These challenges often persist into adulthood.

Amato, P. (Fall 2005).  The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social and emotional well-being of the next generation.  The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.

Once they adjusted and worked through the changes, my brother, who has custody of the kids still at home, is stronger and happier, and in a much better place than he was for those 17 years.  And so are the kids.  For them, it was a blessing. 

On the other hand, I am currently serving in the Young Women’s program, and one of my girls is going through the divorce of her parents. 

The process has been going on for more than a year.  The first 6 months the judge asked that both parents stay in the house, and when the custody switch would take place, it meant that one of them left and went and stayed somewhere else, allowing the kids to maintain roots.  But they had to sell the house as part of the divorce proceedings. 

 This girl in my class is facing many of the struggles Amato indicated.  She feels guilty spending time with one and not the other.  The stress she carries on her shoulders is evident in her face.  The whole custody thing has them spending ½ the week with one parent and the other ½ with another, which requires them changing locations on Wednesdays – a difference of 30 minutes.  This is also limiting her ability to establish roots, and her school work and social behaviors are suffering.  I don’t know what happened to the parents (it’s not my business, and I don’t want to know), but it is tearing these kids apart.  The parents are so caught up in how things are affecting them (posts on social media every day), that I don’t think they see it.  I don’t know how to help her.

I am so blessed that I don’t have to face these challenges, and my heart goes out to those that have or are currently facing this battle.  Pray!!!  And ask the Lord for guidance and help as you make these life changing decisions, because these affect many, many lives.